May 17, 2021

Professional Tool Reviews for Pros

Safety Third: The Completely Fictitious Adventures of David C. Smith

What Happens When Safety Third Foreman David C. Smith Needs an Afternoon Pick Me Up?

It was hot. I was tired. It was only 2:00 pm on a day scheduled to go until 6:00 and the temps were already touching 90 with humidity levels matching it as a percentage. Gatorade can only do so much, and I was kind of tired of the sweet taste. What really sounded great was an iced coffee. The rest of the Safety Third crew looked like they could use a break as well.

So I took a quick 15 to walk over to the popular coffee shop across the street. Now, I get that walking off the jobsite and into a restaurant can be a little off-putting for some patrons, but they usually won’t let me walk up to the drive-thru. I’ve gotten used to the stares in my hard hat and dirty, sweaty workwear.

This was completely different though.

It was as if I had printed out my Facebook profile picture and taped it onto a canvas of Steve Jobs. The looks I got threatened to turn me to ice on the spot. It might have actually worked had I not been so hot already.

The pristine hipster habitat I had just disturbed quickly turned into a scene straight from Romeo and Juliet, or West Side Story…or one of those other stories where two groups really hate each other.

As the leaders got up from their MacBooks and iPads where they’d been working and playing, I could have sworn they started snapping their fingers with each step. I was sure they were going to start stoning me with kiwi and pouring hot Sumatra down my throat if I stayed there any longer.

I got out my card before reaching the front of the line to quickly order and pay for my iced coffee. I glanced nervously over my shoulder as I tentatively told the server I wanted a “large” instead of whatever it is they call it.

Then all hell broke loose.

I was rushed by at least 5 guys in skinny jeans with roughly the combined weight of a single malnourished chicken and nearly strangled with an ascot.

Seeing my only possible means of escape, I jumped over the counter and out the drive-thru window. I did my best Bo Duke hood slide across the Toyota Prius that was just pulling up. Insults were hurled at me preceded with a verbal #hashtag.

Now I’m trending with the 146 character play by play on Twitter, and my picture has been shared more than 15,000 times on Instagram.

And I forgot my coffee.

All I wanted was a cold caffeinated drink. What could possibly go wrong?

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