The Tool Fool’s Stool – The Great Tool Review Coverup
There comes a time in every man’s life when they must stand up for themselves. For too long my voice has been suppressed on this site. You may be asking yourself, “Who is this guy?”
When this “site” was a real publication—i.e. a PRINT MAGAZINE, I had the last word on each issue. That’s right; this guy you’ve never heard wrote the final thing you’d read as you finished the latest issue of Pro Tool Reviews. But where have I been since they went 100% digital?
Ignored. Denied. Unheeded. Probably blocked on many email servers.
But that doesn’t mean I haven’t been busy. Behind the scenes, I’ve been working on the tool reviews you want. The ones you actually deserve. Sure, Pro Tool Reviews has tons of professionals working on their reviews. People who take the tools to actual job sites and try them out in real-world applications. These guys (and hopefully gals—diversity is important!) are fantastic. As colleagues, I respect them for their writing and their commitment to giving other professionals the information they need to make informed buying decisions.
At the same time, they’ve got it all wrong.
Reviews for a More Nuanced Audience
Sure, some percentage of the visitors to this site are professionals. But surely many more are like me—comfortable holding a hammer but not swinging it. Interested in owning a reciprocating saw but valuing their legs too much to deign to use it.
It is for them that it is important that my voice is heard.
I’ve been reviewing equipment for years now. Like a proper journalist, I’ve been writing them with a quill and inkpot on vellum. So far, none of my reviews have seen print and, because I send in the originals (like a professional), I have no copies to share with you. After an extensive search, however, I was able to procure some rough drafts of the conclusion paragraphs of a handful of reviews. I share them with you now. Please, let the editorial staff know how you feel about these reviews. Let them know that the loss of the full review is not only a personal tragedy for me but for all of you as well. Let them know you will no longer tolerate them suppressing this important voice in the tool review community. Together, we can force their hand. Together, we can stand up to their tyranny. Viva la resistance!
The Tool Fool Stool Review Excerpts:
As I’ve stated in many other “brushless” drill reviews—NONE of them have brushes! The Craftsman V20 “Brushless” Hammer Drill is no exception. This is the worst type of marketing lingo designed to trick you into thinking their product is somehow superior to others. It’s a meaningless metric when the reality is far more mundane: Any of these drills will work and none of them have brushes. Point to the brush on any drill. I dare you. Just do as I do—buy the one that looks the coolest. If these companies would stop talking about these “brushes” and start adding chrome to their products, they’d make a mint. That’s a Tool Fool Stool promise! Also of note—this drill makes a terrible hammer.
The Milwaukee M18 Fuel SDS-Max Rotary Hammer is quite literally the worst hammer I’ve ever used. The head is far too large for all but the most comically large nails. The “anti-vibration design” is a ludicrous claim as the thing jumps around like my kids after getting into the Halloween candy. It is so large that you practically have to put your materials on the ground. Maybe if you’ve got the upper body strength of The Rock, you can use this to help you hang pictures. Completely impractical, comically large, unsuitable for use by children—this one is a hard pass.
I know I’ve spent most of this review talking about it, but I need to mention it again here: The nails used by the Hitachi Cordless Brad Nailer are just too small. The dog house I built, while, in retrospect, of questionable design given I eyeballed all the measurements, fell apart basically as I built it. My child barely survived the fall from the tree house I built with this thing. And before you ask, I did try to use larger nails with it. I don’t know who this “Brad” is, but his nailer is complete junk.
I’ve used a lot of pencil sharpeners in my day, and the BN Production Cutting Edge Saw is by far the most powerful. Far too powerful for most pencils as it just slices them in half. While I regret that the specialty titanium pencils with the uranium-infused graphite cores did not arrive in time for this review, I feel confident that the BN Production Cutting Edge Saw would have sharpened them to perfection. Until I see it in action, however, I must reserve judgment.
As a frisbee thrower, the Husqvarna K 760 Power Cutter fails on nearly every metric. The holding mechanism for the frisbees is far too tight. When loosened, the frisbees rarely fly the direction you intended. And let’s not get started (again) on the idiotic design of the frisbees: Sharp edges, far too thin, metal design (who thought that was a good idea?!?), and lack of lip make them nearly impossible (and honestly inadvisable) to catch. For the price (nearly a grand) I expected a lot more. Heck, I expected to be able to shoot frisbees to the moon. Not only is this one a pass, but I also suspect the government will be removing these from shelves before people start buying them for Christmas.
In case it’s not painfully obvious, The Tool Fool’s Stool is a work of humor and fiction. So take it with a grain of salt.
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